MADman

An overdue update on Our Madman.  He is growing, growing, growing.  He measured in at 31.3 inches long (75th percentile) and 19 lbs., 14 oz. (3rd percentile) in May at his 15 month well check-up. He is my skinniest so far. Still not 20 lbs. at 15 months...but close.  He started getting more and more sure on his feet.  He took his first "official" steps on my birthday eve, June 24th.  He then spent a good month taking 4-5 steps at a time without holding on much.

His vocabulary has really started growing as well.  He says:  Momma, Mommy, Dada, Daddy, Poppy (very clearly on our trip to GA a few weeks ago), MiMi (on her bday when we were in GA), Abbie (what we call my stepmom, Miriam), baby, puppy, duck (in the bathtub with the rubber ducky), ni ni (night night), bye bye, no (with dramatic pouty lips and his hand in a push away/hitting gesture...nice), choo choo (although it sounds nothing like that, more like ahh, ahh as he pushes the trains around), very clearly "uh-huh" to answer in the affirmative, and not words but a very clear distinction in his waving.  He waves side to side for hello and up and and down for bye bye or night night....very cute.

I am thrilled to see how exciting and fun it is to witness him walking around and communicating for the first time.  Since this is my third one, I was not sure how much joy it would bring....so pleased that it brings a boat load of joy....blessed times three!

Love or Joy?

Do I love my boys too much that I often rob myself of enjoying them? Sometimes I wonder....is my overpowering love/concern for them so much that my focus is just their needs....are they getting the right nourishment? enough rest? enough fun? too much fun? enough discipline? too much discipline? structure? too much structure?...that I forget to enjoy them? So sad, but often true; in my quest to "do right by them" I often cheat myself of the gift they are to me from GOD.

Today I had a moment that I was able to just enjoy...about 10 minutes of just me and my boys in the floor of my cousins' house in SC, enjoying sundaes from McDonald's. Just us because she was at her birthing class, on the floor for fear my boys would make a mess of her pretty, kid-free dining room. I had the thought.."these are the memories that I hope I have a lifetime." LORD, help me to decipher between the times I am to act in regard to my boys and the times I am to "just enjoy". AMEN!

Communication

It is an amazing thing.  You can communicate in the obvious ways...the spoken word, written word, etc.  You can also communicate in more subtle ways...a soft touch, a glance, a gesture.  Evan is QUITE MOUTHY the communicator.  He lets you know exactly how he feels, exactly when he feels it.  If you tell him something he doesn't want to hear, you will usually receive one of two responses:  "You makahme angry." (You make me angry) or "I gonna tell on you".  Sometimes when he is really feeling the love...."I don't like you, Mommy (Daddy, Brady, etc.)."  At the same token, his expressions are very grand, very memorable.  He also is quite capable of making you feel loved without saying a word.   He always wants a squeeze after his hug & kiss from Daddy in the morning before he heads out to work.   He will suddenly come at you in a full on sprint and dive in your arms, loop his arms around your neck, or clutch your leg in the most desperate acts of love without any notice.  He will - seemingly out of the blue - look you square in the eye and say "I love you the best Mommy."  While eating lunch - just two little guys sitting beside each other having a couple of minutes of silence while eating sandwiches as their mom unloads the dishwasher - Evan will say "Brady I love you."

Evan sure is quite the communicator and - depending on the mood - his passion can frustrate you or warm you in ways I have never experienced . 

I love him!

 attitude

 silly

 his new, cute laugh, where he covers his mouth

 loving, and sweet

angry

MAYhem

So last year when May came around, we jokingly dubbed it MAYhem around here.  There was just so much going on....all good stuff, but a lot to juggle nonetheless.  I have come to the conclusion this will probably just be how May goes for our little family every year.  With two birthdays, then the birthday parties, the close of the school year, Mother's Day, the end of t-ball/baseball season, etc. it is just enough "extra" added to our full lives to make it "MAYhem". 
We had a fun month.  Our big guy, Brady, finished kindergarten.  I have felt all year long that I was adjusting to the fact that he was in "big school" and now his first year is over. .

(Brady's last day of kindergarten)

Maddox is cruising. He is getting brave in his walking. I think he is ready to let go and would do fine, he just doesn't know it yet.

(Maddox sporting a dew rag)

Evan is three - preschool age - sending him off next year just doesn't seem right. He still seems so little and still talks like such a little guy. Babies don't go to school! In honor of him turning three, I want to journal my top three favorite "Ev" things:

(Evan at the Heart of Dixie Railroad Museum - his 3rd Bday party)

1. His snuggle-bugness. He will lay with me in his bed before nap, before bed, any ol' time and just hold me tight. He will put my face into his little dimples-where-knuckles-will-grow hands and hold me while staring into my eyes or kissing my face. He will scratch my back and say: "Mommy I tickle you back? You like that Mommy?"

(Evan & I at his train birthday party)

2. His big, big smile that includes the most endearing (identical to his Dad's) dimples I have ever had the pleasure of seeing light up!

(Evan's last picture as a two-year-old)

3. His lil' NJ accent....he cracks us up with the way he talks - so Jersey via Alabama. Chris and I often joke that Evan should be on the reality show "Jersey Shore".

18 days later our big guy, Brady, turned six years old.  He is such a big boy - and sooo big for his age.  At his 6 year well check up, Dr. Anderson said he is the size of a healthy 7 1/2-year-old....needless to say he is off of the charts.  I wonder how old he will be when he passes me!

(Brady & Evan during the National Anthem at the Birmingham Barons game)

So May is well behind us now and I have finally completed journaling about the things that I wanted to journal about.  Some of the highlights of our CRAZY month, our MAYhem.

Baby Blues

I have been mourning babyhood this past week.  I have had the baby blues.  Mind you this is not your typical baby blues, not as they are usually defined.  I have not had a new baby in the past couple of weeks.  I am not adjusting to my new life, new dynamic, hormone fluctuations, or sleep deprivation. 

No, I am adjusting to life without a baby.  Of course, I have done this before but never with the finality in which I am doing it this time.  Chris and I feel it is best for Maddox to be the last baby we create for our Stidham bunch.  I feel right about that - in my mind - from a logical standpoint.  We are OLD : )  I will be 37 this summer; Chris will be 39 this summer.  We often feel overwhelmed with three and that it is hard to give our all to our three boys....so why add more?  We DEFINITELY feel like we can not financially afford to have anymore.  With the debt we accrued - and unfortunately still have - from Chris' time unemployed, the finances just are not there for us to continue to bring more babies into our family.  So for this reason - and I am sure more - we are retiring from babymaking.

This is hard for this Momma.  It is very difficult and that fact surprises me GREATLY!!  I always have a hard time admitting this - because of how it can be misconstrued - but I did not enjoy Brady as a tiny little new one the way I had dreamed I would.  For a slew of reasons that I may write about at a later date - post partum, isolation, severe acid reflux, fear of failure, sleep deprivation, etc, etc, etc., I did not enjoy him fully until he was a few months old.  

When Evan was close to arriving I was TERRIFIED that I would not be able to enjoy him as a little new bundle and DESPERATELY wanted to.  My biggest request to my praying friends and family was prayer against post partum depression.  It worked!!! GOD answered and blessed me with a season of joy and peace.  I enjoyed my sweet little nugget, even in the beginning.

Maddox was a welcome SURPRISE and I was nervous about my ability to enjoy him with a little guy so young.  I was afraid that it would be too difficult to enjoy him because of having a little guy that was only 20 months himself - a mere baby.  That transition was surprisingly seamless.  I was exhausted, yes.  I did not mind waking up in the night and holding, snuggling, and nursing my little man because I knew - deep in my heart, even during pregnancy with him - that he was our caboose...our sweet, perfect caboose.

Now that my caboose is a year old - has been since February.....that saying goodbye to - and now mourning of - babyhood has begun.  Of course when he turned one, I struggled.  I knew having more was not the right answer.  I had actually figured out the right answer but, unfortunately, it was/is not possible.....freezing time.  See, I knew four children to be responsible for was not the right answer but I wanted to have a baby FOREVER.  If I could freeze Maddox in some sort of warm, functioning way then I could be done with three but yet never stop having a sweet baby to care for and snuggle.  WOW!!!  If I could figure that out and patent that....we could finally pay off the debt and afford more! 

I was still nursing....had just started the weaning process and then Maddox displayed signs of milk sensitivities so I chose to go back to more feeding sessions until he adjusted to cow's milk.  He has adjusted to cow's milk and the weaning restarted.  I dropped one of the four feedings every one to two weeks so he and I could both adjust.  The last feeding was the first of the day when he woke up.  I nursed him that morning feeding for the last time last Friday morning, April 20th.  He was 14.5 months so he definitely was ready and okay with it.  He is a GREAT eater.  He chugs cow's milk in a sippy cup with no problem and has outgrown the milk sensitivity...his stomach apparently just needed a little while to adjust. 

That was the biggest stab in the heart with my recent baby blues....weaning my last gift.  I know I will NEVER nurse another baby again....that chapter of my life - pregnancy, childbirth, and breast feeding, is OVER!  It is quite a milestone - and a bit painful - for me.

Recently, Maddox has gotten very daring and determined.  He is climbing up on everything.  He pulls himself up so easily and quickly these days.  I know that walking will be next - and sooner rather than later.  That will be the final nail in this "I don't have a baby anymore" coffin that I feel I am dragging around.

So I am experiencing baby blues right now.  Something I did not expect.  I do not know how common this is but I know how much it hurts right now.  I also know that it would hurt more to not have ever had a baby to love on, to miss as he grows into a toddler.  I feel blessed but I sure think it would be an incredible blessing to figure out the potion to keeping them little forever!!

Like Santa?

Funny, sweet, innocent Evan : ). I was getting him up from his nap to join his big brother out in the yard with our friends. As I am getting him dressed, he looks down at my frothy beer in my glass and says "that is a lot of coffee". I said: "That's not coffee, it is beer.". Evan says: "Beer? Like Santa Claus?". I explained to him that it was beer and Santa has a bearD. He says, with the biggest, most radiant smile, "Yeah, beard like Santa."

I wanna just eat him sometimes.

"I am Jesus"

Hanging out in the backyard today with my four boys, relaxing, sipping a beer, throwing the frisbee, pushing the kiddos in swings, and Evan picks up the outdoor fireplace poker and proceeds to walk with it as though it is a staff and says "I'm Jesus".

I love Evan emulating Jesus!