Wednesday, July 24, 2013

End of an Era

"I am sitting in the hospital bed waiting for my surgery.  This morning I am closing a chapter in my life.  I am having my tubes tied and a uterine ablation.  At 38 years old, with three healthy beautiful boys, the time for Chris & I to create our own children has come to an end.  So why is this hard?  Why am I sad?  I guess it is because it is the end of an era, the closing of a chapter, a forever farewell."

As I waited for the nurse and the anesthesiologist to come get me and wheel me back to the O.R. the above is what I journaled.  This was on July 1st.  I did not get to complete my post before they came to get me so I am taking the time to do that today - 3 weeks post op.  I remember how I felt that day and the fear I had in regard to going under anesthesia.  I had gone under anesthesia two other times in my life and woke up just fine but neither time was I a mother.  I woke up fine.  I recovered - for the most part - fine, albeit an allergic reaction and 8 consecutive days with a fever.  I still feel Chris and I made the right choice for our family but I still feel sad at the end of babies and the reality of not having a daughter - if I let myself.

Thank you LORD for my three healthy, beautiful, fun-loving boys!!  I am not worthy of such a gift.