"I am sitting in the hospital bed waiting for my surgery. This morning I am closing a chapter in my life. I am having my tubes tied and a uterine ablation. At 38 years old, with three healthy beautiful boys, the time for Chris & I to create our own children has come to an end. So why is this hard? Why am I sad? I guess it is because it is the end of an era, the closing of a chapter, a forever farewell."
As I waited for the nurse and the anesthesiologist to come get me and wheel me back to the O.R. the above is what I journaled. This was on July 1st. I did not get to complete my post before they came to get me so I am taking the time to do that today - 3 weeks post op. I remember how I felt that day and the fear I had in regard to going under anesthesia. I had gone under anesthesia two other times in my life and woke up just fine but neither time was I a mother. I woke up fine. I recovered - for the most part - fine, albeit an allergic reaction and 8 consecutive days with a fever. I still feel Chris and I made the right choice for our family but I still feel sad at the end of babies and the reality of not having a daughter - if I let myself.
Thank you LORD for my three healthy, beautiful, fun-loving boys!! I am not worthy of such a gift.